Turbulence

Outside my window I see bright sunshine, trees thrashing wildly in the wind, and a line of high puffy clouds approaching from the west. We woke up to snow on the grass this morning (after I'd been wondering all night why the furnace kept kicking on again and again) , this morning was chilly but sunny and clear, and now this. This past few weeks the weather has been unsettling, as if it's gotten itself all worked up for no particular reason. Either I'm reacting to the weather or there truly is something muddled up, but I've felt out of sorts with just about everything.

Nothing is really the matter and I'm having days that I enjoy almost every day. No dramatic freak-outs or life-changing proclamations, but everything just seems to be a little bit harder than it should be. Like making dinner for instance. Why bother when pizza is only a phone call away? I'd rather read books to Auggie in the rocking chair or chase Nolan around the living room than do any of my work, including laundry, yardwork, writing, blogging, or maintaining any sort of routine in our day to day. I feel like I'm waiting or watching for something elusive that will point me in the right direction, on a path to something meaningful. Preferably the path will be lighted and well-marked.

Jade once told me about a film about a woman living out on the prairie, a homesteader. The film was entirely silent except for the sound of the wind blowing and at the end of it the woman went insane. As I'm sitting here listening to the wind rumble the house or as I'm asleep dreaming those Down the Rabbit Hole kinds of dream, I'm not sure that the wind is entirely blameless.