Strategies

1. Mocha for Mom

Suggested Use: Trick unsuspecting children into napping.

Equipment: Automobile, car seats for children, tolerance for running the heater on high on a sunny winter afternoon.

Estimated Time: 35 minutes

Procedure: After dropping the oldest child of at afternoon kindergarten, announce that we are going to get coffee for Mom. Drive across town to Starbucks, taking the road north of town with fewer stoplights and keeping the car toasty warm. Upon approaching the vicinity of Starbucks, evaluate the status of the participants. If they are still awake, drive on by (they don't know that you're driving around in circles). Repeat until both participants are asleep. If desired, (and you live in a fairly small community) call Starbucks on your cell phone and ask them to pre-make the mocha, dash inside with correct change to collect the mocha and pay. Dash back to car, drive home, transport participants to beds, drink mocha and read blogs.

2. I Don't Know What Happened to ...

Suggested Use: Trick three year old into wearing one of seventeen newer pairs of pants he has shunned in favor of "yellow baseball pants".

Equipment Needed: Outside garbage can, ability to repeatedly deny any knowledge under pressure.

Estimated Time: Varies

Procedure: After washing yellow baseball pants until the knees dissolve, put them directly into the garbage and immediately remove the garbage bag containing the pants from the house. This step is crucial as leaving the pants in the kitchen or laundry garbage can will blow the entire mission since humans under four feet tall are inexplicably compelled to examine the contents of any and all garbage cans they encounter. When asked "Where my lellow baseball bants?" give no answer other than, "Gosh, I don't know where yellow baseball pants are. We'll have to look for them." Repeat until the owner of yellow baseball pants forgets about them, currently projected to be never and resign yourself to the fact that you will be reassuring him that you'll look for his stupid pants as he packs for college.

Seriously, When Is Your Dad Coming Home?

Suggested Use: Provide time to read consecutively two sentences (or more!) of a novel

Equipment Needed: Bathtub, bubbles, assorted cups and washcloths, novel, toilet with lid

Estimated Time: 20 minutes, if you're lucky

Procedure: Announce that it's bathtime. Ignore claims of cleanliness and/or objections to water temperature and removal of clothing. Turn on space heater, deposit children in bathtub, close toilet lid, sit down and read. Occasionally remind participants that there is no throwing water on brothers or out of the tub. Read until the water is tepid, rinse and scrub children (optional), towel, pajama, teeth, yadah, yadah, yadah, search for flashlight to finish chapter once children and husband are sleeping. Note: Do not attempt every night as effectiveness may weaken with repeated use. If children are asking you to read picture books to them while they splash, discontinue use immediately.